custody

My heart is heavy lately. All the time, it seems. I could chalk it up to a summer full of misses and near misses--two family members' brush with death, the dissolution of my marriage, the death of a friend--all in a span of just a few months. But, somehow, it seems bigger than that. My confidence is rattled. My children are smelling my fear, and they don't like it.

A tough little guy but sensitive as all hell, I find myself both impossibly close to my son and completely estranged from him, all at the same time. His anger is so violent and raw--it reminds me of myself. And I don't know what to do with it. And Isa, with her penetrating looks and quiet calculations.... there's a storm brewing in there, too. She looks to me for comfort, to help her figure out why things are so strange and what happened to our lives. And I don't always have the strength or the patience. Each time I drop them off at J's, every single time I drive away, I feel like throwing up. My body physically reacts to the separation, knowing it will be days before I see them again. When I pick them up, it will take several hours to settle into ourselves, to adjust to being together again, to calm the sea of emotions that threatens to bubble up inside each of us as we learn to navigate these new circumstances. From full-time mama (24/7) to working mama (12/7) to part-time mama (4 days a week) in just 5 months... It's too much. And not enough.