the baby archives

June 29, 2006

So, in corresponding with friends, I've been asked specific questions about how I feel or what this is all like or what is going through my mind. And, in responding to these questions, I've decided that I would like to save some of these thoughts because this whole marriage and pregnancy thing is a pretty big deal for me. I know it seems kind of lame and totally uncool that I keep posting all this baby crap (and, honestly, I'm a little self-conscious about it myself) because I should have other things to think about or to talk about. And I do. But this is the most important thing to me right now and I will never have this experience again. I will only be pregnant for the first time ever ONCE. I will only get to know Jeremy in this way once, right now, as the baby grows in my belly and we wonder about the sex and struggle with names and whether or not to circumsize or vaccinate and what kind of parents are we gonna be. And I will only have this much time on my hands to think about it and talk about it for just a few more short months. So, to all of you who are judging me for my recent posts, be patient. I'm sure that I will be back to my gossipy self soon enough. But for now, I feel compelled to record these thoughts so bear with me for a little while.

From email to Sara B.:
In answer to your questions, I have to say that I was not actively trying to get pregnant but we had not used condoms in over 6 months so I can't say that it was a complete surprise, either. Honestly, my first reaction was joy. I had been secretly thinking about wanting babies at some point, and was really feeling like, despite our issues, Jeremy is the best lover and partner I have ever had (or even dreamed of having) so I was into the idea of him being the baby daddy. Jeremy, however, stood in the shower and sobbed and sobbed for over an hour. It took him days to recover and I was really scared that it was too much for him to handle and that he was going to walk out on me. Although there is no doubt in my mind that he and I love each other very much, we had just moved in together 4 months before the pregnancy so it's not like we'd been together forever or anything. On the other hand, we already had a little family of sorts with our little house and our doggies, and our routine was already really domestic and comfortable. It's not like we were out partying all the time and had to make some huge lifestyle change all of a sudden.

However, neither of us was really at a point where it was ideal. Jeremy had just gotten his first adult job (at which he makes very little money and works very long hours) after being in the Army and then school. I had just started grad school and was really into my program. Although I kind of hated my job, it paid well and I had a really flexible schedule (plus, they paid for school). And, we had just started seriously looking for a house. I had put down a non-refundable $1000 deposit on our current house three days before finding out I was pregnant! Not to mention that I lost my job very shortly afterwards and became involved in a disgusting scandal through no fault of my own. Thus, the initial feeling of joy and excitement was pretty short-lived.

March and April were pretty much from hell--I felt like shit all day long, had a ton of shit of my plate (work drama, house drama, and school), and was an emotional basket case. Jeremy was constantly either trying to save me from the verge of a nervous breakdown or on the verge of one himself. We alternated between clinging to each other for dear life and virtually clawing each other's eyeballs out. And we honestly felt like we had no one to whom to turn. His parents didn't know I was pregnant and would have flipped out if they'd found out about it under our circumstances at the time. My parents are broke and have their own really hard lives to deal with 2,000 miles away. Honestly, it was awful. But, getting through that all of that is our biggest accomplishment and I really think it's made us both feel like we're f*ing badasses.

After our wedding fiasco in May, once everyone left and we were alone in our new house with most of the drama behind us, I feel like we really started thinking about the implications of my pregnancy. Suddenly, I had to think about it and it kind of started to terrify me. My family's far away. Who is going to teach me how to do this? Who's going to help me with this child so that I can work? How is Jeremy going to handle being the primary breadwinner for a few months? How am I going to make any money without putting my baby in day care? On the other hand, Jeremy went from being terrified and anxious and really skeptical about the whole thing to suddenly adopting this protective husband-like behavior. For instance, I called him to let him know that I was going to go swimming so I was leaving my phone at home and he was like, "Don't forget to bring some water with you...and maybe you should also pack a hat so you don't get overheated." Um, okay. When we heard the heartbeat for the first time, his eyes filled with tears and we couldn't stop laughing in amazement. He started checking out Daddy books from the library and actually reads them. He's come to every single midwife appointment with me, and is as involved as I am in all of the exams. In short, it's really amazing how he went from this petulant child, crying about how he's not ready for this and we don't have the money and how could we be so stupid, to a supportive and loving partner seemingly over night. So I've had to kind of buck up and deal with the fact that we will probably be really broke and it's going to be stressful as hell. But, if worse comes to worse, we sell a car or get a roommate or get two roommates, or take out a loan, or take out my 401k. Whatever. We'll figure it out. As long as no one wants to talk to me about labor and preeclampsia or gestational diabetes or epesiotomies, I'm good. And, really, the best part of the whole thing is that I love him more than I ever imagined loving someone. I really never thought that I would be healthy enough to have a relationship like this, or that anyone would ever love me this much or this well. We definitely have our issues and are a long way from being the perfect couple. But I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. He's gonna be an awesome Daddy. Plus, he's so mellow and kind and good-natured that I feel so much more confident about being a Mama because we'll balance each other out.

This is totally dorky but I went to a mommy's group today at a coffee shop. My friends had a brunch last weekend and there was a woman there, about my age, with a 5 month-old baby. She and I danced around each other for a while, neither wanting to seem too eager to talk to the other, before a friend introduced us. We chatted for a while about how far along I am and how old's your baby and all that bullshit and, at some point, I was like, "okay, you need to be my friend because I don't know anyone with kids and I'm freaking out" and she was like, "Awesome! All the moms I know are huge dorks and I only hang out with them because I don't know anyone with kids". So we exchanged phone numbers. Well, she called me this morning and invited me to this mommy's group that she hangs out with after yoga on Thursday afternoons. I felt like a huge dork, but I totally went and listened to these women talk about their babies' diaper rash, and the controversy on whether or not to vaccinate, and how often do you bathe your baby, and how often do you do it.....and I totally loved it. Every time I became conscious of other people overhearing our conversation, I felt embarrassed and knew that our conversation was pretty lame. But if I was un-self-conscious about it, I drank in every detail and even made some notes. I can't really say that I liked any of them as much as I liked Carrie, the brunch mom, but it was nice to see a group of first-time moms hanging out in a coffee shop with their babies in the middle of the day. If they can do it, I can do it.