perspectives

August 23, 2006

can't sleep. i should be used to it by now because it seems i haven't really slept since about april, but tonight it's my head that's keeping me up. i just can't get my mind to settle. i feel like it's about to burst with all the tension and pressure and steam that has been steadily accumulating since february. maybe that's why labor is such a bitch. maybe i'm supposed to take all this nervous energy and pant pant blow it out with every contraction. honestly, i could never understand why women near the end of their pregnancy would prefer the pain of labor to the continuation of the pregnancy. not to mention that after all the grunting and pushing and screaming, you are handed a tiny infant whose livelihood is entirely dependent on you. forever. but, right now, i would rather be up because of crying babies than continue to deal with the static in my head and the achiness in my bones.

i can't stop thinking about labor: when is it going to happen? what's it going to be like? will i wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of amniotic fluid or will it just gush from between my legs while i pump gas or check the mail? what's the hospital going to be like? are the babies going to be okay or will they have to stay in the nicu for days or weeks? i realize that this train of thought is entirely unproductive and i really need to chill so i try to change the subject, think about something else, but it just keeps creeping back in....

of course, then there's that other train of thought that makes me question myself and my relationship: do i have my shit together? what should i do to be more prepared? is our house clean enough? is our relationship healthy enough? do we have what it takes to be a good loving family? what if jeremy and i stop loving each other or fight in front of the kids?

we had a fight tonight about drinking and i went to bed angry which never makes for a good night's sleep. so maybe that's part of the reason my head's spinning with such nonsense. but i also realize that these fears are also totally normal and that everyone probably experiences them on one level or another. i guess i'm just ready for the next phase in this adventure. i'm ready to be done with the heartburn and back ache and pelvic pops, and get this damn show on the road. the suspense is killing me. and it's not like i'm getting any sleep anyway. i'd rather be smelling my babies' heads as they nurse than continue to toss and turn and imagine worst case scenarios.